Orange is the New Black- Five Life Altering Lessons

#OITNB literally took the entire Netflixdom by storm when it debuted in July 2013. The series offers a fictional peek behind bars in a U.S federal correctional facility. Admittedly, it has more than its fair share of sex and masturbation, but it also has a diverse cast and characters with unconventional stories.  The much awaited season three came out on early release on June 12^th and I have finnnnaaaalllly finished binge watching.

 Now, I could be over analysing in the way I tend to do from time to time, but there were five lessons that sooner or later everyone needs to learn. Oh and SPOILER ALERT!

A bird in the hand is better than one in the bush

Yea, I know that’s not what the saying actually says, but the original didn’t quite suit my purposes. Anyhow, Vause somehow finds herself right back at Litchfield with Piper, and as usual they fall into a broom closet together and make frenzied incarcerated love. Then que Stella (Ruby Rose *swoon*), the gorgeous criminal mastermind with tattoos up the wazoo that Piper finds herself tempted by.

Before long the two hook up and Vause ends things with Piper. Everything goes along just fine, that is until Piper finds out the Stella is up for early release. Womp womp womp. Very rookie move Piper- if she was from the Caribbean her grandmother probably woulda told her never leave sure for unsure. She and her old prison boo thang are done, the new one is about to fly the coop and that leaves her with what? Nothing? See what I mean about that bird in the hand?

Trust No Bitch

So says Piper’s very crudely applied white ink tattoo.  If you never knew this before, know this now; it’s typically the persons closest to you that have the power to hurt you. Simply because you trust them, you make yourself vulnerable to them and if they’re bitches, they hit you with the stealth attack. Just ask Piper who confided in Stella and made her a part of her mastermind stinky crotch convict panties business only for Stella to turn around and steal all (and I do mean ALL) her profits. 

Correlation does not equal causation

This lesson I actually learned in PSYC1001, but still- poignant lesson. Back to this stinky panty business. Piper found a way to make panties from discarded materials, have select inmates wear them for days on end, smuggle them out the prison and then sell them for a huge profit online. Brilliant, in a sorta disturbingly gross way, especially considering she paid the inmates with ramen noodle flavour packets. The business model was working fine until Flaca decided to form a stinky crotch convict union and demand better benefits and fair pay. In retaliation Piper accepts Flaca’s proposal, everyone gets a raise, but she fires Flaca. This is prison so when all of Piper’s cash goes missing Flaca is immediately the prime suspect, but of course the thief turned out to be her boo thang Stella. Just because Piper’s money went missing at the exact time that she gave Flaca a reason to seek retaliation doesn’t actually mean that Flaca retaliated. The same is true for life. Two simultaneous occurrences are not necessarily related.

Don’t judge a book by its cover

Yea yea yea, I know, such a cliché, but it got to be a cliché because IT’S TRUE. You know that meth head- the one with the stringy greasy hair and chocolate coloured teeth? Pensatucky’s groupie? Yea her, well turns out she’s Amish. As in she decided to go back home and get baptised after her Rumspringa Amish. Who woulda thunk it?

Sometimes selfish is okay

This one resonated me the most, because admittedly I’m a selfish person. I always felt pretty bad about wanting to put myself first in life. If you ask The Boss I’m pretty sure he’ll tell you it’s one of my biggest faults. However after Caputo’s back story was revealed this season I can damn well say that there is NOTHING wrong with succumbing to your basest instinct- self-preservation. Sometimes in life you just gotta do what’s right for you and make no apologies about it.

Don’t be too quick to write these lessons off either, truth can be found in the most unexpected places at the strangest times. Besides, I dare you to tell me that all those years of watching Disney channel in your undies never taught you a thing or two.